Be that as it may, I was going through some papers the other day, and ran across a submission that I had sent to one of the Chicago papers. About 10 years ago, after Ann Landers died, the Chicago Sun Times ran a contest to find a new advice columnist, although they must have overlooked the fact that there are as many "advice columnists" out there as there are rat turds in the New York City sewer system.
Whatever. I've read more than my share of advice columns in my time here on earth, and it seemed like a pretty easy gig. The Sun Times asked that all interested parties send in an example and that the powers that be would crown a new "Ann Landers" with much fanfare. I sent mine in, but predictably, I wasn't chosen. I didn't even get a fucking thank you note for my submission. Assholes.
Anyway, they ended up picking some dick named Jeffrey Zazlo, whose spiffy column was named "All That Zazz!" It lasted about six months, after which the Sun Times picked up a column by one of Ann Landers kids, whose name was Muriel, or something ... I forget.
So, before I throw this particular folder in the dumpster, I thought I'd share ...
DEAR ROBERTA: At a luncheon at a friend's house I discovered that there was no toilet tissue in the bathroom and as I needed some I had no choice but to use a hand towel. I put the hand towel into my purse fully intending to take it home, wash it, and return it the next day. However, a while later my friend asked to see my new handbag. Needless to say, she found the towel and accused me of stealing. What should I do now?
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Anyone who entertains and doesn't have the sense to check her toilet tissue supply isn't considerate enough to have friends. If she's really your friend, I'd hate to meet your enemies!
DEAR ROBERTA: I had a few friends over for lunch the other day and as we were visiting I noticed one of the gals was acting very peculiar. I suspected something right away and asked to see her purse. She was very reluctant to give me her purse and with good reason - she stole one of my towels! I'm shocked at her and don't quite know what to do.
DEAR ANGRY: Anyone who steals from her friends is no friend at all. Drop her like a hot rock!
DEAR ROBERTA: I am very generous about loaning things but I'm really miffed. I loaned a neighbor my expensive good guest hand towels for a luncheon party. When she returned them the next day, one of them was stained and smelled of urine. What could be wrong with her?
DEAR REVOLTED: I think your friend needs a hygiene lesson. And you need friends like her the way a cat needs swim fins.