April 29, 2010

Worst ... Prize ... Ever

I was glancing at my hometown's facebook page this evening, when my eyes were drawn in by this post:

Robin Thornton ok i won a trip to springfield, missouri!!!! 2 nights. fantastic caverns, dickerson park zoo, discovery center, sports hall of fame, wild animal safari, century cafe' and beer tasteing tour. wwwoooo hhhoooooo
Since I grew up in Springfield, Missouri, my initial thought was "What God-forsaken, fucked-up contest did this woman enter?"  Really, a trip to Springfield?  What was second prize?  A pile of freshly squeezed dog shit?

Okay, so maybe I'm being a little hard on my old stomping grounds.  Robin hails from Tulsa.  I have been to Tulsa and I must admit that if I'd spent hard time there, I'd be saying "wwwoooo hhhoooooo" to a little Springfield getaway too.  Especially if I could visit the places Robin gushes about in her post.

What's that?  Not familiar with these prime tourist spots?  Luckily for you, I can provide a brief still-picture synopsis for each of these regionally-famous Springfieldian attractions.

Fantastic Caverns - Billed as the world's only drive-thru cave.  The Department of Interior reported that in 2009, there were only 47 deaths reported at this location due to falling stalagtites (vibrations from the rickety old Jeep) and carbon monoxide poisoning (the Jeep was overdue for a tune-up).


Dickerson Park Zoo - Covering a mammoth 1.3 acres, Dickerson Park Zoo is located in the center of Springfield's late-night homosexual hook-up district. Although the zoo is going through some bothersome economic struggles, it finds it can stretch it's food budget by feeding the occasional tourist to the inhabitants.

Lunchtime At the Polar Bear Grotto

Discovery Center - For Spring 2010, the Discovery Center features it's most popular exhibit "The Wonders of Reanimation!"


Sports Hall of Fame - Hard working Springfield City Councilmen were able to "score" a hefty $146.23 government grant to build this tribute to Springfield baseball legend Mickey Owen.

If You Build It, They Will Come

Wild Animal Safari - Inspired by the memory of Mutual of Omaha's Marlin Perkins, planned and constructed by world famous asshat Donald Trump, people from as far away as Marshfield flock to WAS to view natural wild animals in their natural wild habitat-like setting.  From the comfort of your car, you can view such exotic creatures as ...

Ling-Ling, The Weight Lifting Panda!


Kareem, The Basketball Playing Giraffe!

Century Cafe - Home of the Half-Pound Crawdad Burger!


And Finally ...

Cyrus McNutt's Pub Crawl - Where every tour ends in a bloody fist-fight!


And so Robin Thornton of Tulsa, OK ... Enjoy your two night adventure in The Queen City of the Ozarks!  Be sure and bring your Instamatic, because the folks back home ain't gonna believe the time you done had!

wwwoooo hhhoooooo!


  1. I can only imagine how excited she would be to win a trip to Utah...

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