April 26, 2010

Always A Bridesmaid ...

Once again, my dreams of wealth and the truly good life have been shattered.  Someone else won the latest big ticket, multi-state lottery drawing.

This time it was Powerball.  The 258 million dollar grand prize was won by a Mr. Chris Shaw, a convenience store clerk from Jefferson City, Missouri.  And who is this gentleman with the sudden humongous stash of cash?

Everybody Hates Chris

Okay, I know what you're thinking ... so just for a half-minute, DON'T be politically correct.  Go ahead, say it ... All right, I'll say it for you.  WHAT THE FUCK!  Yes, boys and girls, it isn't like you were brought up to believe. God does not hate trailer parks.

Let's pretend for a moment that Chris has a facebook page.  Of course, we have to believe for another moment that Chris actually knows how to use a computer.  This is how it looks ...

Name:  Christopher Hannibal Shaw
Sex:  When?
Birthday:  N/A
Current City:  Jefferson City, MO
Hometown:  Don't Know
Children:  5 that I know of
College:  What's that
High School:  See above
Employer:  Cum & Go
Position:  Clerk Trainee

Weighing his options, Shaw is undecided on whether to take 125 million in one lump sum, or spread the original amount out over 29 years.  He said he first has to consult with "people who know about money".

Well, Chris my boy, I'll tell you something about money ... by the time you pay exorbitant amounts of back owed and future child support to three of your children and their two mothers, your girlfriend takes you to the cleaners, make untold number of really stupid investments, give wads of cash away to long lost friends and relatives who crawl out of the woodwork, pay 50 lawyers to keep you out of trouble, and just literally blow tens of thousands of dollars on God-only knows what ... your money will be gone in ... oh, let's see ... 5 fucking years.  And that's being optimistic.

And of course, I'm just speaking out of jealousy. Seriously, good luck to you Chris, in all your future endeavours (jerk). 

1 comment:

  1. I'm sure he'll make good investments. Those trucks with the huge wheels gain value every year.