October 20, 2010

Oh, That's Why ...

Hey guys, ever wonder why you wake up in the morning with a hard-on?  No?  Well, don't feel too bad, because I think the only two things running through a man's head when he wakes up in morning are "Shit, do I have to get up already?"  And "I have to piss."

In fact, you probably equate the fact that you have to piss with having an erection to begin with, hence the phrase "Piss Hard-On".  But think about it ... you generally have to urinate at some points during the day and you don't get an erection.  Okay, maybe sometimes but it's not an all-the-time occurrence.

Hmm ... It's a real head scratcher.

And it was a real head scratcher to the people at the Journal of Sexual Medicine, who commissioned a study on "night wood" and found out that a human male trait called NPT is the cause.

NPT (nocturnal penile tumescence) occurs when the male is in REM sleep and although he may be dreaming about being chased by a herd of hungry velociraptors instead of sex, his brain sends out some sort of signal that causes an elevation of nitrous oxide in the bloodstream and ... BLAMMO!  Instant woody!  The study pointed out that the erection doesn't necessarily occur in the morning, but may happen at any time of the night.  AND ...  not only do adult males experience this effect, but so do teen males, child males, baby males; and even FETUS MALES.

Eww.  Wow, no wonder we're so screwed up.  We probably had a stiff-o in our mother's womb.

This is all very interesting and I suppose the subject would make for lively conversation at your next cocktail-type gathering.  And, if you allowed me sufficient time to get oiled up, I'd probably be the one to initiate it. This may explain why I'm not invited to a lot of parties.

One of the things I thought about while reading the article, was "isn't that JUST LIKE my stupid body to give me a gift like that in the middle of the night ... WHEN THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL that I'd be able to use it".

I can see it now.  I'd wake Jan out of a dead sleep with some witty banter like "hey, look at this!"  Then I could spend the next hour trying to remove my pillow from my ass.

Actually, after thinking a bit, I did have an epiphany, sort of ...  Why risk the embarrassment of going to your doctor with some fake flu symptoms and then ... at the end of the visit, mumble something about "Viagra", or "Cialis", when I can just let my fingers do the walking to the industrial gasses section of the phone book and buy a humongous tank of nitrous oxide!


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