Remnants

Author's Note:  (Even though this is a dumb blog, I am the author, right?)  I've posted a lot of trash in the past year and a half, but there are times when even I can't throw some shit out to the general public. The following post is one of them.  At the time, I was heavily influenced by a sports columnist at ESPN, who seemed to effortlessly blog major sporting events as they were happening.  So, I thought I could too.  I was wrong ... And this is the result.  Since it's the weekend, maybe nobody will read it and I'll be safe.  For you unlucky few who've stumbled on to this, please tolerate ... from March 2010, a post originally entitled "Blogging Oscar".

I've always enjoyed reading blog posts from bloggers blogging in their blogs about important entertainment events.  Things like the Super Bowl, the Grammies and the Senate Health Care Debates.  So, with almost a year of blogging expertise under my belt, I thought I'd take my turn at blogging a major entertainment event. Who knows, this could be the big break into the dog-eat-dog literary world that I've been waiting for all these weeks. The thought of seeing my byline in such standards as Life, Look or Saturday Evening Post magazines is enough to make me swoon.  So ... tonight I will be blogging that spectacle that is known far and wide as The Academy Awards!

Sunday
3:37 p.m.  Okay, the first thing I've got to find out is when the show starts.  I know for sure that it's today. Ah, there we are ... 7:00 p.m. CST.  Better make sure I've got dinner cleared well in advance.

6:52 p.m.  I've stumbled into what is apparently the last Barbara Walters pre-Oscar special.  I think this is because Babs actually passed away 5 years ago and has been replaced by a Disney autoanimatronic robot.  After a trip down memory lane, Barbara and Sandra Bullock try to trick each other into revealing what kind of tree they would like to be.

7:01 p.m.  Crowd reporter Kathy Ireland looks positively breathless, and possibly drunk as she blathers about something, while George Clooney trolls for a new girlfriend along the security fence.

7:05 p.m.  ABC is showing some sort of countdown clock in the lower left-hand portion of the screen.  24 minutes until what?

7:11 p.m.  Morgan Freeman shows up, having been nominated for the best actor in every single motion picture made during 2009. Jennifer Lopez explains why wearing clothing is good.  Sarah Jessica Parker has chosen to wear her "Mr. Ed" horse head.

7:22 p.m.  Jeff Bridges looks terrific.  Like me, he was a pretty boy early in life, but has grown into craggy good looking old dude.  Actually, he resembles me only in the fact that we both have beards. Gabourey Sidibe's dress is ... Shit, you just can't make morbidly obese people look good, no matter how hard you try.

7:27 p.m.  Everybody is heading inside.  Kathy Ireland still looks drunk.

7:32 p.m.  Neil Patrick Harris gays it up.  After descending from the ceiling, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin fall flatter the Meryl Streep's boobs in their opening.  Apparently, Henny Youngman wrote their routine just prior to his untimely death in 1998.

7:43 p.m.  I love Jeff Bridges.  He always looks stoned out of his mind

7:48 p.m.  Christoph Waltz wins best supporting actor for Inglorious Basterds.  Metaphors abound.

 7:58 p.m.  Up wins best animated feature.  What a fucking surprise.  In other amazing news, the sun will rise tomorrow.

8:01 p.m.  Miley Cyrus looks all set for the trailer park debutante ball.  Hopefully, she starts those long overdue elocution lessons on Monday.

8:03 p.m.  Best Music Award goes to Crazy Heart.  I must go out and buy the soundtrack.  Walmart, here I come!

8:12 p.m.  Robert Downey Jr. appears as a presenter.  I'm disappointed because he's not wearing his Ironman costume.  However, he does mention Tony Stark.  Not good enough though.

8:16 p.m.  Best original screenplay goes to The Hurt Locker.  Exciting shit.  Quenton Tarantino looks pissed.

8:22 p.m.  Ahhhh!  What rock did they pull Molly Ringwold out from under?  She is taller than Matthew Broderick though, but who isn't?  Nice tribute to John Hughes.  Too fucking bad they ruined it at the end by bringing out the aging "Brat Packers".

Well, an hour and a half into this spectacle, and it seems to be bucking for a contender for "most boring Oscar broadcast ever".  Everything seems to be going according to plan.

8:31 p.m.  Logorama wins best animated short.  Music By Prudence takes best documentary short. And Prudence is actually in the audience! The crowd goes semi-tepid!  The New Tenants grabs best live action short.  This has to be the dreaded Dead Zone of the broadcast.  I'm starting to nod off myself.

8:39 p.m.  Oh boy.  Ben Stiller comes out dressed like a character from Avatar.  I actually feel sorry for him because he knows he's flopping monumentally.  Star Trek for Best Make Up?  Holy shit, they'll give out an Oscar for anything.  I didn't know pointy ears and bad tattoos were that difficult to do.

8:51 p.m.  Something, something wins the award for best script adapted from a Burma Shave sign ... or something like that.  Why don't they take all of these incomprehensible categories and present the winner at another venue, perhaps the Denny's in Pismo Beach?

8:55 p.m. Shit, here comes Robin Williams.  Kill me now.  To his credit, he keeps it down with only one lame joke as he presents the best supporting actress thingy to Mo Neek Man Ink Moe Nick Mo'Nique.

9:05 p.m.  Geez, I'm getting sleepy.  What time do I have to get up tomorrow?  Oh yeah, 5:00.  Shit, Monday again already.  What happened to the damned weekend ... Just think, in two more years, I can retire, maybe.  It all depends on the economy.  Huh?!  What?  Oh, another award.  Some guy is talking about how he almost died 5 years ago and almost wasn't here for tonight.  Touching ...

9:11 p.m.  Another winner for something.  This one appears to be wearing a shoe on her head.  Boy, you have to give the producers of this show some credit.  They're trying like hell to rush through all of these nothing categories.

9:18 p.m.  Zzzzzzzz.

Monday 6:38 p.m.  Okay, so I went to bed.  I knew who was going to win the big categories anyway.  Jeff Bridges, Sandra Bullock and The Hurt Locker.  Ho-hum.  You know what would be really awesome, is if one year, all of the categories were won by one movie.  I'd stay up to watch that.

Seriously, this live blogging stuff is the shits.  I'm never, ever going to do it again because it's too hard.  And after reading this over, it appears that live blogging is post death.  So, I'll just save this travesty and publish it sometime in the future.  Who knows, maybe you'll want to be reminded  who won the academy awards next fall.

So, for all of us here in not Hollywood, I bid you goodnight and leave you with a moment of Oscar Gold ...