March 14, 2011

Blame It On Late Winter

I've been grumpy lately.  Very, very grumpy.  Winter won't go away, and it's making me crazy.  So, in my spare time, I think about things that I hate.  Hate may be too strong of a word though.  I don't really hate anything, but I do dislike a number of things.

For instance, I dislike tattoosI don't understand the thought process that the people who have them embedded in themselves go through.  Perhaps I need to expand my mind ... but I don't really think that's necessary.

The first time I actually expressed myself about tattoos was about 10 years ago.  I was working as a production manager for a small company and had just hired a young man to help me with the day-to-day operation.  One morning he came in with a tattoo on his inner forearm.  It was a rendering of an eyeball, with all of the nerves and shit trailing from it in colorful goriness.  And a small hand was grinding out a lit cigarette on the eyeball.

He displayed it for me and grinned as he said "Isn't that cool?" 

I slapped him with an open hand on the side of his head ... hard.

He thought I was kidding and laughed at me, but I wasn't ... kidding.  Stupid little asshole.  Now that he's in his early 30's, I hope he looks at that monstrosity on his arm every morning and thinks how fucking dumb he was.

Tonight, I was tooling around the internet and ran across an article on tattoos.  It said about everything I think about them.  This is by Brian Moylan, writing for Gawker.

What Your Tattoo Placement Says About You

Neck: You have some sort of personality disorder. If you get a tattoo on your upper body outside the area covered by a long-sleeve shirt, then you are just a little bit crazy. You don't care what people think but not in a way that is healthy. More in the kind of way that Travis Bickle doesn't care what people think.

Inner Bicep: You have something that you really want to share with the world but you just can't bring yourself to talk about. You hope that by putting it on your arm people will ask you about it and your secret will slowly come out.

Face: You have spent time in either: A) Prison, B) A mental institution, C) Both. Also, you smoke cigarettes you bought on the internet.

Bicep: This is a very manly place for a tat. It means you are insecure, lack originality, and will cheat on your wife. If this isn't the result of a mid-life crisis, you will inevitably have one in the most secretary-fucking, sports-car-driving cliched way possible.

Shoulder: You aren't afraid of making mistakes, but as soon as they happen, you pretend like you can't see them. You got a C in Algebra at community college.

Pubic Area: If you are a dude, it means you're unattractive but you have a huge dick. If you're a lady you probably know your way around a pole and a pair of platforms.

Around the Bellybutton: If you're a lady with this tattoo, it means you once wanted to be a marine biologist but then you had little Madison and had to drop out of college. But you still love Lisa Frank. If you're a gentleman, then you are undoubtedly a homosexual. And a bottom. No matter your gender, you have about a 50-50 shot of making a pornographic movie some day.

Finger: You will eventually get divorced. Trust.

Butt: You are the kind of girl who tells people she has a tattoo and when they ask if they can see, you say, "Hehehe. No!" but then after another margarita, you show them anyway. Yes, you're a tease. You also disparage women who appear in Girls Gone Wild videos.

Ankle: No matter what you say or do, no one thinks you're a badass because you got drunk on vacation and decided it was time to decorate your flesh. Please cover it with a pair of pants or a sock. Thanks.

Lower Back: Really, ladies, don't make me say it.

Did I mention I was really crabby tonight?

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