November 07, 2012

Rob Goes Tripping

From the date of my last post, you would think I'd been on vacation for a long time, but I just didn't have any shit worth writing about.  I actually did take an extended week's vacation a while back to attend my son and brand spanking new daughter-in-laws' wedding in Savannah, Georgia (Yes, you can applaud).

Jan and I spent four days on the road in our little cracker box SUV, speeding along the highways and byways of the South, narrowly avoiding death by coked up semi-tractor trailer drivers approximately 5 times and were able to indulge in my favorite travel past time ... eating the free breakfasts at the motels we stayed at along the way.  Did you know that no matter what motel you stay at, they serve those flat, yellow egg-like patties, sausage, biscuits and that shitty white gravy?  Now that stuff really lubes up your insides, which is unfortunate when you're in driving in the middle of nowhere and your sphincter suddenly decides it has to let go.  Here's a traveling tip for you ... always have lots of toilet paper and a camp stool with no seat in it, otherwise things get really messy.

But besides that, Savannah was great, what with all the mansions and narrow streets and tour trolleys and policemen hassling every black person in sight so that their tourist business isn't jeopardized.  And you've seen all that great moss hanging from the trees?  Well, the first thing they tell you when you get there is DON'T TOUCH THE MOSS!!  Why?  Because it's full of chiggers.  Thanks for the tip guys!

And do you know what else you can do in Savannah?  You can walk the streets night and day drinking alcoholic beverages!  That was fun!  Except if you're a black person, then you get thrown into the back of a police car.  I didn't do that though; that is, drink on the street or get thrown in the back of a police car.  They didn't have enough restrooms to accommodate my tiny bladder.  Plus, they have lots of shopping, dining and bums.  The bums sell these little palm bark roses anywhere from 5 to 25 dollars, depending on what time of night it is and how much you fear for your life.

Also, there's no use going to Savannah unless you take a trip out to Tybee Island, famous for it's very own Atlantic Ocean, beaches, over priced parking and fishermen on the giant-assed pier who try to snag you in the face with their fishing hooks as you stroll past.  Plus, there are a lot of these:

This little bastard shit on my head.

And no trip to Tybee Island is complete without getting lost on the way back to Savannah and ending up in a slum and having to stop and ask two policemen who are hassling a black guy and throwing him into the back of their car how to get back to safety.

But, all in all, we had lots of fun and decided that Savannah is a great place to visit ... once.  And now that I'm back in Northern Illinois ... well, I really miss those yellow, flat egg-like thingies.  I wonder if they sell them at Walmart?

Next Post:  Halloween Surprise!!

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