Worst ... Prize ... Ever

I was glancing at my hometown's facebook page this evening, when my eyes were drawn in by this post:

Robin Thornton ok i won a trip to springfield, missouri!!!! 2 nights. fantastic caverns, dickerson park zoo, discovery center, sports hall of fame, wild animal safari, century cafe' and beer tasteing tour. wwwoooo hhhoooooo

Since I grew up in Springfield, Missouri, my initial thought was "What God-forsaken, fucked-up contest did this woman enter?"  Really, a trip to Springfield?  What was second prize?  A pile of freshly squeezed dog shit?

Okay, so maybe I'm being a little hard on my old stomping grounds.  Robin hails from Tulsa.  I have been to Tulsa and I must admit that if I'd spent hard time there, I'd be saying "wwwoooo hhhoooooo" to a little Springfield getaway too.  Especially if I could visit the places Robin gushes about in her post.

What's that?  Not familiar with these prime tourist spots?  Luckily for you, I can provide a brief still-picture synopsis for each of these regionally-famous Springfieldian attractions.

Fantastic Caverns - Billed as the world's only drive-thru cave.  The Department of Interior reported that in 2009, there were only 47 deaths reported at this location due to falling stalagtites (vibrations from the rickety old Jeep) and carbon monoxide poisoning (the Jeep was overdue for a tune-up).

Coff-Coff!

Dickerson Park Zoo - Covering a mammoth 1.3 acres, Dickerson Park Zoo is located in the center of Springfield's late-night homosexual hook-up district. Although the zoo is going through some bothersome economic struggles, it finds it can stretch it's food budget by feeding the occasional tourist to the inhabitants.

Lunchtime At the Polar Bear Grotto

Discovery Center - For Spring 2010, the Discovery Center features it's most popular exhibit "The Wonders of Reanimation!"

It's ALIVE!

Sports Hall of Fame - Hard working Springfield City Councilmen were able to "score" a hefty $146.23 government grant to build this tribute to Springfield baseball legend Mickey Owen.

If You Build It, They Will Come

Wild Animal Safari - Inspired by the memory of Mutual of Omaha's Marlin Perkins, planned and constructed by world famous asshat Donald Trump, people from as far away as Marshfield flock to WAS to view natural wild animals in their natural wild habitat-like setting.  From the comfort of your car, you can view such exotic creatures as ...

Ling-Ling, The Weight Lifting Panda!

And

Kareem, The Basketball Playing Giraffe!

Century Cafe - Home of the Half-Pound Crawdad Burger!

Oooo-La-La!

And Finally ...

Cyrus McNutt's Pub Crawl - Where every tour ends in a bloody fist-fight!

Sheeeee-It!

And so Robin Thornton of Tulsa, OK ... Enjoy your two night adventure in The Queen City of the Ozarks!  Be sure and bring your Instamatic, because the folks back home ain't gonna believe the time you done had!

wwwoooo hhhoooooo!

No Show, But The Show Must Go On

We've lived in this area well over 30 years now, and have always watched the local ABC station WLS, Channel 7 in the mornings and evenings.  So, we're pretty familiar with the comings and goings of the various anchor people, weather people and street reporters.  Just a few days ago, one of my favorite weekend morning anchors bit the dust.

No, he didn't die.  He was fired.  Apparently, Kevin Roy just didn't have the heart anymore to read the news and do all the silly spots so often required of local morning anchors, particularly on the weekends.  So last Sunday morning, he just didn't show up for his allotted 6 a.m. broadcast.  I guess most people could understand missing a routine show once, but this was the third time in as many months that Roy had pulled the same stunt.  So, WLS sent him packing yesterday morning.

When it was apparent that Roy was AWOL last Sunday morning, on again/off again staff reporter Michelle Gallardo was yanked off the street and thrown unceremoniously into his seat, where she managed to read the news without fucking up too bad.  Twittering furiously afterwards Gallardo wrote "Why do these things have to happen on a day that I didn't blow-dry my hair!  Lol!"

Lol indeed.  After reading about Roy's suicidal career decision, I wondered what level of panic the producer was in when he/she realized that they were about to turn the cameras on a newscast featuring the Invisible Man?  I realize that they deal with all sorts of problems like showing the wrong graphics or film clips, or the occasional marauding robotic floor camera that takes in everything but its intended target, but no smiley/serious anchor to open the newscast?

Do you show all of the commercials allotted for the hour in one big dollup?  Do you go to a silent shot of the Sears (sorry ... Willis) Tower skycam panning the Chicago landscape?  Or do you run willy-nilly into the street looking for the first person walking by wearing a suit and tie on a Sunday morning at 6:00 and keelhaul him?

Contacted shortly after being shown the door, Roy said "To those who might speculate on the reason, be assured that my problem is one of physical exhaustion only."

Any questions?  No?  Okay then, let's all move on ... nothing to see here.  Mr. Roy, 41,  walks away (with a little encouragement) after 12 years with WLS, one of the premier television stations in the U.S.  Previously, he had worked at KGW-TV in Portland, Oregon and at two other low wattage outlets in Louisville and Cedar Rapids.

Geez, I wonder how you gussie-up your resume after that titanic boner.  Tuscaloosa, here he comes.

Aye Roy, me boy, I'll miss ye laddie ...

High Fidelity

Over the weekend, I took a drive over to beautiful downtown Homer Glen to visit my favorite record store.  The place with the stax of wax, the piles of platters, the dusty discs ... The good people at "The Scratchy Needle".  As usual, I headed for the bargain bin, where I found armloads of great music at rock-bottom prices.  If the album covers are this awesome, just imagine what the music is like!

Always A Bridesmaid ...

Once again, my dreams of wealth and the truly good life have been shattered.  Someone else won the latest big ticket, multi-state lottery drawing.

This time it was Powerball.  The 258 million dollar grand prize was won by a Mr. Chris Shaw, a convenience store clerk from Jefferson City, Missouri.  And who is this gentleman with the sudden humongous stash of cash?

Everybody Hates Chris

Okay, I know what you're thinking ... so just for a half-minute, DON'T be politically correct.  Go ahead, say it ... All right, I'll say it for you.  WHAT THE FUCK!  Yes, boys and girls, it isn't like you were brought up to believe. God does not hate trailer parks.

Let's pretend for a moment that Chris has a facebook page.  Of course, we have to believe for another moment that Chris actually knows how to use a computer.  This is how it looks ...

Name:  Christopher Hannibal Shaw

Sex:  When?

Birthday:  N/A

Current City:  Jefferson City, MO

Hometown:  Don't Know

Children:  5 that I know of

College:  What's that

High School:  See above

Employer:  Cum & Go

Position:  Clerk Trainee

Weighing his options, Shaw is undecided on whether to take 125 million in one lump sum, or spread the original amount out over 29 years.  He said he first has to consult with "people who know about money".

Well, Chris my boy, I'll tell you something about money ... by the time you pay exorbitant amounts of back owed and future child support to three of your children and their two mothers, your girlfriend takes you to the cleaners, make untold number of really stupid investments, give wads of cash away to long lost friends and relatives who crawl out of the woodwork, pay 50 lawyers to keep you out of trouble, and just literally blow tens of thousands of dollars on God-only knows what ... your money will be gone in ... oh, let's see ... 5 fucking years.  And that's being optimistic.

And of course, I'm just speaking out of jealousy. Seriously, good luck to you Chris, in all your future endeavours (jerk). 

Eye-Yi-Yi

I hate wearing glasses.  I hate the way I have to keep pitching my head up and down to see things at varying distances.  I hate the way they slide down my nose.  I hate the way they scrunch up crooked into my  face when I working in a tight space.  I hate the permanent dents they leave on the bridge of my nose.  And I hate the way I look in them.

But I do like the way everything isn't all fuzzy and shit when I don't have them on.  And, I could probably do something about the way I look in them if I bought a new pair.  I guess I'm pretty lucky that I went as long as I did without needing them.  I still remember the day I knew something was wrong.  When I used to ride the train downtown, I read the headlines on other people's newspapers who sat in front of me.  I could even read the body of the news item.  Then one day, everything turned fuzzy and I couldn't do it anymore.  Just like that.

Shit.  So I had to start wearing glasses, and everyone told me how good I looked in them, but they were lying because I could see the truth on their faces.  Not being able to find a new group of people to hang with who could lie well, I just lived with it.

In the past several months, I've been reading about what great strides have been made in "vision correcting" surgery, but when I've talked with people who have had it done, I get the feeling that they weren't 100% satisfied. I'm guessing that since they spent so much money on the procedure, that they felt they had to talk up how well it went, but some of their comments betray them.  I talked with my neighbor a few months ago who had the surgery done.  She said she was happy, but did mention that when she's out at night, streetlights and on coming car lights have a large "halo" around them.  I don't think I'd be real fucking happy about that.

Just last week, the guy who works across the hall from me had his eyes "fixed".  He came in the morning after wearing a pair of those "Cyclops" sunglasses like old people in Florida sport.  He's a pretty truthful guy and he told me he wouldn't have had it done again.  As he described the procedure, including the parts where it felt like his eyeballs were being pushed into the back of his head, and how for hours afterwards, his eyes itched so bad that he wanted to tear them out of their sockets, my shit ran cold.

I've had more than my share of operations, but they've all been in the general torso area.  Take something out, re-route this, shove this thing over there, etc.  But I can always hide the results with a wife-beater, high rider pants or a sarong.  But no one is going to touch my eyes. Especially with butcher knives and lasers.  I can live with a lot of things, but I don't believe I could live without my eyesight.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to some eyewear place and priced a pair of rimless, small lensed glasses, hoping I could minimize the "look".  They came back with the low, low price of about 500 dollars.  It seems like the less hardware you put on glasses, the more they cost.  Which doesn't make sense and sucks.

I'll eventually go ahead and get them, simply because I'm vain.  And in the long run, it would probably be cheaper to have surgery done than to spend money on glasses 500 bucks at a time.

But I've got something about not wanting to look at halos for the rest of my days.