December 28, 2010

What's In Your Stomach? ... At The Autopsy

As if everyday life weren't stressful enough, now I have something else to worry about.  So ... we're all agreed that we are eventually going to die, right?  As if that weren't shitty enough, the fact is that most of us will have an autopsy to see what killed us.  Brains here, lungs there, intestines over yonder ... and once they've figured it out, they just take everything and stuff it back into you and sew you up like a turducken.

While the coroner's assistant is carving you up, he or she will take a peeky-boo at your stomach contents and write down what they find on a piece of paper.  And without fail ... especially if you are famous enough ... some asshole is going to find it and post it on the internet.  Just hope to God that you had the good sense to eat something healthy at your last meal, or people will call you a gluttonous pig, or some shit like that.

The following are a few famous people and an accounting of their last meals, as told by the coroners office.  You make up your own minds what to think:

John Belushi :  Lentil soup.

Princess Diana:  Mushroom & asparagus omelet, dover sole, vegetable tempura.

Liberace:  Cream of Wheat w/half & half.

Adolf Hitler:  Lasagna.

John Lennon:  Corned beef sandwich.

Ernest Hemingway:  Strip steak, baked potato, green salad.

John Kennedy:  Boiled egg.

Marilyn Monroe:  Guacamole & meatballs.

John Wayne Gacy:  Fried chicken and french fries.

Ted Bundy:  Steak, fried eggs & hash browns.

Cleopatra:  Figs

Gandhi:  Vegetables & goats milk.

Elvis Presley:  Ice cream & chocolate chip cookies.

I guess It won't really matter what they find in me, but with my luck, it'll be something really sophisticated, like Totino's Pizza Rolls.


  1. Quac and meatballs? That Marilyn was a strange bird.

  2. I don't know ... that sounded kind of good to me.

  3. But, wait, the stuff would have been all mixed up together, right? So how did they figure out what it was originally? Like, with Princess Diana, couldn't the mushrooms and asparagus in the supposed omelet have actually been part of the vegetable tempura?

    Or are they just going with what they KNOW she ate before she died? Like, with Gacy and Bundy, I'm pretty sure there were witnesses. Lots of them.

    Yeah, it's me, here at the office, pissing off people on their blogs. Happy New Year, Rob!