I just finished making stuffing. Yes, stuffing like you make for Thanksgiving. And it's 11:00 in the morning. Well, I was bored and there were most of the items I needed to make it in the refrigerator and pantry that I had left over from last week ...
This is the problem. The problem with not being at work. It's a small problem, but a problem never-the-less. It's been almost a month since my contract ended at Giant Pharmaceutical House and I'm in the process of finding things to do to fill my days. It's a fine line to tread between finding just enough to do and not taking on full-blown projects, like painting the second bedroom. Painting the room wouldn't be that big of a deal, but the ceiling should be painted too. And that ... is a pain in the ass. You crane your neck upwards for hours and paint gets all over the fucking place, including your clothes, your hair and in your EYES! I'm usually half-blind after I finish a ceiling. So I'm going to have to rev myself up for that one. In the interim, here are some things that I've been doing to make the day worthwhile:
Cleaning the house ... this lasted about a week and a half, because there's only so many times you can clean the house in the space of ten days before you completely flame out and never want to do it again. Better to space it out to ... oh once a month.
Do things at odd hours ... one day I went to the liquor store at 9:00 on a weekday morning for a bottle of wine. This turned out to be a bad idea. First of all, it's hard to bluff the clerk into believing you're buying the wine at that hour because you have a romantic picnic lunch planned, especially when it's 20 degrees outside. Secondly, there are an awful lot of old men there at that hour buying pints of vodka and whiskey. Makes you feel kind of squicky.
Cruise the internet ... this is the one thing I love doing, because you always have to hide it at work. No body's looking over my shoulder here at home. Unfortunately, after I plow through the news, comics and Gawker, it's only been a half-hour and I'm done for the day.
Spy on the neighbors ... everyone is at work. No one to spy on.
Watch television ... Yay! Especially morning television. I used to watch "Good Morning America" all the time, but grew tired of George Stepha-what's-his-name and the never ending tributes to the one woman who isn't there now, and I do feel for her, but shit ... that gets old. So, I switched to the "Today" show, which isn't much better, but at least it goes on until 11:00 in the morning and I'm not subjected to a local show named "Windy City Live", which absolutely blows. And in the 10:00 hour I can watch "Hota and Kathy Lee" instead of "The View", which is only entertaining if you want to watch a group of women yelling, interrupting each other and their guest constantly and generally being a bunch of assholes. "Hota and Kathy Lee" is pretty cool because they both have huge glasses of red wine in front of them each day when they start the show and they're empty by the end of the hour. Plus , they always have one or two segments with someone who brought in a truckload of booze to taste. One morning I tried watching CBS, but was shocked when "The Price Is Right" came on and Drew Carey was the host instead of Bob Barker. What the fuck is with that?
Anyway, I'm still feeling out my new found freedom and open schedule. I'm sure I'll keep finding things to do like fly-casting, knitting or yoga.
But right now, I think I'll go start a turkey to go with that stuffing.
November 28, 2012
November 08, 2012
Best Halloween Ever!
Yes, it's a little late to be talking about Halloween, but I've been busy, so I'm just now getting around to it. And no, I'm not going to talk about how many trick-or-treaters showed up at the door, even though there was one awesome kid who actually had a hollowed out, real pumpkin stuck on his head. Crap, he must have felt really squicky after a few hours.
And no, I'm not going to talk about my previously best Halloween ever, when I saw a bunch of sheep in a pasture, thought they were ghosts and ran face first into a barbed wire fence.
No, my best Halloween ever happened just this last Wednesday when I was laid off by a pirate.
As a few of you know, I work off and on for Giant Pharmaceutical House as an outside contractor. They lay people off, figure out later they made a mistake and then hire me to clean up messes until the mess goes away, then I get a few months off to recover. On my most recent stint, which took up much of the year, I was ... a Research Chemist ... which is pretty cool because I never took a chemistry course in my life and it looked good on loan and credit card applications and will look great on my income tax form this winter. Actually, I did do a pH test once a long time ago, but I screwed it up.
Anyway, I was having a great time doing this until just before we left for my son's wedding. You can always tell when work is winding down, and you start making bets with yourself on exactly when you're going to have your contract cancelled. Jan and I discussed this during our trip, so we were both ready.
And when I can back from vacation on Halloween Day, I had a feeling the jig was up. No e-mails, no phone messages, no notes or work on my desk.
Uh-oh.
So, I settled back in my chair with an excellent cup of Giant Pharmaceutical House Cafeteria Coffee and made a mental note of what to pack in my "brief bag". This consisted of my "222 Riverside Drive" coffee cup and my magnetic name plate, so I didn't have to make too many mental notes. And then I waited.
Sure enough, about noon, I received an e-mail from my supervisor requesting a "one on one" meeting an hour later. I've never had a one on one with him, so I knew this was it.
An hour later, I skipped up the stairs to his office and found him sitting in his chair ...
Wearing a pirate costume.
Me: Nice outfit.
Him: Uh, thanks. I wonder why nobody dresses up for Halloween here?
Me: I don't know ... you look very dashing though.
Him: Uh, thanks.
Him: So, how was the wedding? Blah, blah, blah, awkward time filler, blah, blah, blah.
Me: Blah, blah, blah ... Say, why don't we cut to the chase?
Him: Um, yeah. We've run out of work for you to do, sooooo .... today's your last day.
Me: Ooookaaaay. You want me to stay the rest of the day so I can steal a decent amount of office supplies?
Him: A-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ... you're kidding, right?
Me: Yes I am.
And then there were awkward platitudes and the last awkward handshake ... and I was off.
Elvis left the building soon after, and I know I'll be back one day soon, hopefully with an even more awesome title than Research Chemist, but I'll never have a much better story than "I got canned on Halloween by a guy in a pirate costume".
Shit ... who am I kidding? Of course I will.
And no, I'm not going to talk about my previously best Halloween ever, when I saw a bunch of sheep in a pasture, thought they were ghosts and ran face first into a barbed wire fence.
No, my best Halloween ever happened just this last Wednesday when I was laid off by a pirate.
As a few of you know, I work off and on for Giant Pharmaceutical House as an outside contractor. They lay people off, figure out later they made a mistake and then hire me to clean up messes until the mess goes away, then I get a few months off to recover. On my most recent stint, which took up much of the year, I was ... a Research Chemist ... which is pretty cool because I never took a chemistry course in my life and it looked good on loan and credit card applications and will look great on my income tax form this winter. Actually, I did do a pH test once a long time ago, but I screwed it up.
Anyway, I was having a great time doing this until just before we left for my son's wedding. You can always tell when work is winding down, and you start making bets with yourself on exactly when you're going to have your contract cancelled. Jan and I discussed this during our trip, so we were both ready.
And when I can back from vacation on Halloween Day, I had a feeling the jig was up. No e-mails, no phone messages, no notes or work on my desk.
Uh-oh.
So, I settled back in my chair with an excellent cup of Giant Pharmaceutical House Cafeteria Coffee and made a mental note of what to pack in my "brief bag". This consisted of my "222 Riverside Drive" coffee cup and my magnetic name plate, so I didn't have to make too many mental notes. And then I waited.
Sure enough, about noon, I received an e-mail from my supervisor requesting a "one on one" meeting an hour later. I've never had a one on one with him, so I knew this was it.
An hour later, I skipped up the stairs to his office and found him sitting in his chair ...
Wearing a pirate costume.
Me: Nice outfit.
Him: Uh, thanks. I wonder why nobody dresses up for Halloween here?
Me: I don't know ... you look very dashing though.
Him: Uh, thanks.
Him: So, how was the wedding? Blah, blah, blah, awkward time filler, blah, blah, blah.
Me: Blah, blah, blah ... Say, why don't we cut to the chase?
Him: Um, yeah. We've run out of work for you to do, sooooo .... today's your last day.
Me: Ooookaaaay. You want me to stay the rest of the day so I can steal a decent amount of office supplies?
Him: A-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ... you're kidding, right?
Me: Yes I am.
And then there were awkward platitudes and the last awkward handshake ... and I was off.
Elvis left the building soon after, and I know I'll be back one day soon, hopefully with an even more awesome title than Research Chemist, but I'll never have a much better story than "I got canned on Halloween by a guy in a pirate costume".
Shit ... who am I kidding? Of course I will.
November 07, 2012
Rob Goes Tripping
From the date of my last post, you would think I'd been on vacation for a long time, but I just didn't have any shit worth writing about. I actually did take an extended week's vacation a while back to attend my son and brand spanking new daughter-in-laws' wedding in Savannah, Georgia (Yes, you can applaud).
Jan and I spent four days on the road in our little cracker box SUV, speeding along the highways and byways of the South, narrowly avoiding death by coked up semi-tractor trailer drivers approximately 5 times and were able to indulge in my favorite travel past time ... eating the free breakfasts at the motels we stayed at along the way. Did you know that no matter what motel you stay at, they serve those flat, yellow egg-like patties, sausage, biscuits and that shitty white gravy? Now that stuff really lubes up your insides, which is unfortunate when you're in driving in the middle of nowhere and your sphincter suddenly decides it has to let go. Here's a traveling tip for you ... always have lots of toilet paper and a camp stool with no seat in it, otherwise things get really messy.
But besides that, Savannah was great, what with all the mansions and narrow streets and tour trolleys and policemen hassling every black person in sight so that their tourist business isn't jeopardized. And you've seen all that great moss hanging from the trees? Well, the first thing they tell you when you get there is DON'T TOUCH THE MOSS!! Why? Because it's full of chiggers. Thanks for the tip guys!
And do you know what else you can do in Savannah? You can walk the streets night and day drinking alcoholic beverages! That was fun! Except if you're a black person, then you get thrown into the back of a police car. I didn't do that though; that is, drink on the street or get thrown in the back of a police car. They didn't have enough restrooms to accommodate my tiny bladder. Plus, they have lots of shopping, dining and bums. The bums sell these little palm bark roses anywhere from 5 to 25 dollars, depending on what time of night it is and how much you fear for your life.
Also, there's no use going to Savannah unless you take a trip out to Tybee Island, famous for it's very own Atlantic Ocean, beaches, over priced parking and fishermen on the giant-assed pier who try to snag you in the face with their fishing hooks as you stroll past. Plus, there are a lot of these:
Jan and I spent four days on the road in our little cracker box SUV, speeding along the highways and byways of the South, narrowly avoiding death by coked up semi-tractor trailer drivers approximately 5 times and were able to indulge in my favorite travel past time ... eating the free breakfasts at the motels we stayed at along the way. Did you know that no matter what motel you stay at, they serve those flat, yellow egg-like patties, sausage, biscuits and that shitty white gravy? Now that stuff really lubes up your insides, which is unfortunate when you're in driving in the middle of nowhere and your sphincter suddenly decides it has to let go. Here's a traveling tip for you ... always have lots of toilet paper and a camp stool with no seat in it, otherwise things get really messy.
But besides that, Savannah was great, what with all the mansions and narrow streets and tour trolleys and policemen hassling every black person in sight so that their tourist business isn't jeopardized. And you've seen all that great moss hanging from the trees? Well, the first thing they tell you when you get there is DON'T TOUCH THE MOSS!! Why? Because it's full of chiggers. Thanks for the tip guys!
And do you know what else you can do in Savannah? You can walk the streets night and day drinking alcoholic beverages! That was fun! Except if you're a black person, then you get thrown into the back of a police car. I didn't do that though; that is, drink on the street or get thrown in the back of a police car. They didn't have enough restrooms to accommodate my tiny bladder. Plus, they have lots of shopping, dining and bums. The bums sell these little palm bark roses anywhere from 5 to 25 dollars, depending on what time of night it is and how much you fear for your life.
Also, there's no use going to Savannah unless you take a trip out to Tybee Island, famous for it's very own Atlantic Ocean, beaches, over priced parking and fishermen on the giant-assed pier who try to snag you in the face with their fishing hooks as you stroll past. Plus, there are a lot of these:
This little bastard shit on my head.
And no trip to Tybee Island is complete without getting lost on the way back to Savannah and ending up in a slum and having to stop and ask two policemen who are hassling a black guy and throwing him into the back of their car how to get back to safety.
But, all in all, we had lots of fun and decided that Savannah is a great place to visit ... once. And now that I'm back in Northern Illinois ... well, I really miss those yellow, flat egg-like thingies. I wonder if they sell them at Walmart?
Next Post: Halloween Surprise!!
September 28, 2012
The End Of Summer Vacation
Hey Boys and Girls! Yes, Summer Vacation is over and Jack Frost is nipping at our balls, or is that nipping at our nips? I always forget. Anyway, I've been away for a long time and thought it was time to do that thing where your 2nd grade teacher makes you write an essay on what you did over the Summer ... on your first day back to school, when all you wanted to do was take it easy, but this bitch makes you write again, and it's difficult, because you haven't written a fucking sentence all Summer. And you know she's doing it simply because she's just as pissed as you are for being back to school.
Yes, it was a monumental Summer. Yours truly ran the gamut of fun. If I may, let me share the fun things that I experienced this Summer ...
June
Yes, it was a monumental Summer. Yours truly ran the gamut of fun. If I may, let me share the fun things that I experienced this Summer ...
June
- Jan's mother dies after a short illness. She lived a full life, so no "awwwwws" please. Jan and I attended the wake at her extended care home on a Saturday, which reminded me of a troll convention, only there was an musical organ and LOTS of hymns. My Mom's wake was much more exciting because my cousin's wife was taking pictures of my Mom-In-The-Casket with her cell phone so she could send them to her friends.
- The Pontiac pisses me off for the last time, dying by the side of the road and leaving me to sit in a "Jersey Mike's Malted And Good Times" parfait parlor for three hours while I wait for the fucking tow truck. I develop diabetes. After the Pontiac is repaired for the last time under my ownership, I take it straight to a Honda dealer and buy a CRV without even test-driving it. I'm given 1,800 dollars for the car because "they are going to tow it straight to the auto auction. The next day, I see a picture of my Pontiac sitting on the lot on sale for only $9799. I lose faith in all mankind and car dealers.
July
- I wake up on a Sunday morning with a terrific pain in my side. After a quick on-line check with Web MD, I decide it's either my appendix or a brain tumor. Riding through the morning fog to the outpatient medical center with my trusty wife, we arrive to find all of the computers are out and I have to fill out four thousand forms by hand. Later in the morning, my quack attending physician reads my X-Rays and pronounces "It's a mess down there" I'm relieved to know it's not my brain after all. Later that Sunday night, as my entire family views me on my last night on earth, or so they think, I'm wheeled into the surgery suite where the one pound Stage III cancer tumor is removed and mounted for my fireplace mantel. Later chemotherapy works well until it destroys my entire immune system, putting me in the hospital again sharing a room with a man named "Dale".
August
- After escaping from the third floor window of the hospital using a rope made of bedsheets, used syringes and human hair, I return home to celebrate my 60th birthday. Unfortunately, the day is ruined by the STORM OF THE CENTURY ...
Unable to drive to the gas station to buy my usual birthday gift of Tiparillos, I brood in the basement all day long, washing clothes and downing half a case of "Mikes Hard Lemonade".
- Later in the month, working in the complaint department at Giant Pharmaceutical Manufacturer, I crack one day when answering a complaint from a patient complaining her medication gave her constipation, diarrhea, heart palpitations and a general homicidal feeling, by suggesting she go to the doctor instead of writing me about her bullshit symptoms. I am reprimanded by being assigned as a washroom attendant for a week, offering towels, mints and various perfumes to washroom attendees, in-between cleaning shit and piss off the walls and floors.
September
- The month went by in a whirl, didn't it? I took off today to go to the doctor. And that's what you do when you're 60. You go to the doctor every other week. Today, I found out that my blood pressure was fine. My glands were normal, and if you don't drink a gallon of water before your go to your appointment, the veins won't stand out on your arms and the doctor who is too stubborn to hire a phlebotomist will stab you in the arm 4 times and still not find a vein to draw from so she can tell you your cholesterol is too high and you need to take another pill. But the day isn't an entire bust. I was able to take my truck in for it's bi-monthly fixing up for tie-rod/springs/transmission replacement/valve cover brushing, which only cost 700 dollars.
And hey, Summer's gone and I didn't even get to see the fireworks on the 4th. Life's a bitch.
Oh, P.S. Here's the new car ...
June 20, 2012
Car Mat As Fashion Statement
A couple of months ago, Jan and I bought a new car. It was about time. The old Pontiac was groaning at over 100,000 miles and was having to go into the shop about once a month for this damn thing or the other.
When we bought the new car, it came with the same crummy floor mats that most new cars have. The thin, cheap rubber backing with the synthetic fuzzy rug stuff on the front. Oh, you can upgrade the floor mats, but who the hell spends the extra 500 dollars to do that? I don't like buying my car mats on easy monthly payments along with the rest of the car.
Up here in Northern Illinois, the television and radio are peppered with ads for a certain company who touts made-in-the-USA, precision-cut car floor mats. I don't normally buy anything I see or hear in ads, particularly when the company carpet bombs the airwaves. But this time I did have some interest. So, we decided to try the company out and bought a car mat for the back storage area of the car, which is a compact SUV. It arrived in a couple of days ... and it fit ... perfectly!
Emboldened by the success of my experience, I ordered front floor mats from the same company. Again, they came within a few days ... and again they fit perfectly, unlike anything we'd had in a car or truck before.
Big fucking deal, huh? But wait ...
The car came with hands free telephone. If you had a bluetooth phone, it would sync in with the radio and if you got a call on your phone, it would come through the radio and you could talk without holding the phone. Hands free, but you still have to find the receiver button on steering wheel and you're still distracted when you talk while you drive.
But anyway, for some reason Jan's phone wouldn't sync up with the car. Normally, I don't think this would have bothered her ... but my phone did. So this drove her crazy and she began obsessing about it. She tried a dozen times to sync the phone up. She even convinced the wireless carrier to give her another phone. Still nothing.
Yesterday, in a last ditch attempt to have the same thing I did; hands free in the car, she went to the dealership. Well, long story short, she had pissed something up and they fixed it. Now she's all happy because her phone works in the car ... just like mine. What a crybaby ...
But while she was there, the two tech guys who were working on the phone connection started talking about the floor mats. They were transfixed with the fucking floor mats and how well they fit. They even asked Jan if they could open the back hatch and look at that floor mat. They went on for 10 minutes about how well the floor mats fit and how nice they looked.
This was weird. But to each their own.
Actually, they are pretty cool floor mats. And if you want to know the name of the company, it's WeatherTech. Their mats aren't cheap, but they're pretty damn good. And after all, who doesn't like a couple of mechanics gushing over how nice your floor mats look?
By the way, I don't see this so much of a commercial as a public service. Plus, maybe I can get these guys to give me a deal on some back seat floor mats, which I still need.
Next Post: More Shameless Huckstering
When we bought the new car, it came with the same crummy floor mats that most new cars have. The thin, cheap rubber backing with the synthetic fuzzy rug stuff on the front. Oh, you can upgrade the floor mats, but who the hell spends the extra 500 dollars to do that? I don't like buying my car mats on easy monthly payments along with the rest of the car.
Up here in Northern Illinois, the television and radio are peppered with ads for a certain company who touts made-in-the-USA, precision-cut car floor mats. I don't normally buy anything I see or hear in ads, particularly when the company carpet bombs the airwaves. But this time I did have some interest. So, we decided to try the company out and bought a car mat for the back storage area of the car, which is a compact SUV. It arrived in a couple of days ... and it fit ... perfectly!
Emboldened by the success of my experience, I ordered front floor mats from the same company. Again, they came within a few days ... and again they fit perfectly, unlike anything we'd had in a car or truck before.
Big fucking deal, huh? But wait ...
The car came with hands free telephone. If you had a bluetooth phone, it would sync in with the radio and if you got a call on your phone, it would come through the radio and you could talk without holding the phone. Hands free, but you still have to find the receiver button on steering wheel and you're still distracted when you talk while you drive.
But anyway, for some reason Jan's phone wouldn't sync up with the car. Normally, I don't think this would have bothered her ... but my phone did. So this drove her crazy and she began obsessing about it. She tried a dozen times to sync the phone up. She even convinced the wireless carrier to give her another phone. Still nothing.
Yesterday, in a last ditch attempt to have the same thing I did; hands free in the car, she went to the dealership. Well, long story short, she had pissed something up and they fixed it. Now she's all happy because her phone works in the car ... just like mine. What a crybaby ...
But while she was there, the two tech guys who were working on the phone connection started talking about the floor mats. They were transfixed with the fucking floor mats and how well they fit. They even asked Jan if they could open the back hatch and look at that floor mat. They went on for 10 minutes about how well the floor mats fit and how nice they looked.
This was weird. But to each their own.
Actually, they are pretty cool floor mats. And if you want to know the name of the company, it's WeatherTech. Their mats aren't cheap, but they're pretty damn good. And after all, who doesn't like a couple of mechanics gushing over how nice your floor mats look?
By the way, I don't see this so much of a commercial as a public service. Plus, maybe I can get these guys to give me a deal on some back seat floor mats, which I still need.
Next Post: More Shameless Huckstering
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