April 28, 2009

Swine Flu Survival Guide

If you're like me, you're probably thinking to yourself "Hey, what is this Swine Flu shit and what does it mean to me?"  And let's face it, you're getting so many minute-to-minute updates from every conceivable media source telling you that we're all doomed, that you'd rather just go hide in that bomb shelter that your Dad built 10 feet below ground in the back yard in 1958, when the Soviets were banging their shoes on tables and threatening to blow up bombs that would turn us into evil zombies like the ones who gave Charlton Heston so much unrighteous shit in "The Omega Man".

So, you need some straight talk answers on how to navigate the coming flu apocalypse, which can be found in the totally non-fiction novel "The Stand".  Now, let me give you a little heads-up. This weighty tome is about 5 thousand pages long, but if you utilize the techniques outlined in the very popular Evelyn Woods speed reading course, you can breeze through the thing in no time.  In "The Stand" survival guide, you will learn how the pandemic started (secret government agency creating genetically engineered sneezing pigs), what to do about it (become "good" and move to Boulder, CO or become "evil" and move to Las Vegas, NV) and how to resolve it (destroy Las Vegas by nuclear detonation).

Yes, I know.  You're thinking "Gosh, that's kind of drastic for a stupid case of the flu, isn't it?"  Perhaps, but extreme times call for mega-extreme actions.

Either that our you can do what everyone did 20 years ago and just ignore it until it goes away on its own.

Your choice.

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