July 09, 2009

Candy Man

Jan and I were at Walgreens the other day buying snacks for our trip this weekend, because what good is driving a long distance in your car if you don't have piles and piles of potato chips and Fritos and candy bars and Diet Cokes and Jack Daniels (ha, ha Illinois State Police, just kidding about the Jack).

Anyway, along with the other piles of stuff, I picked up two bags of Tootsie Roll Pops and Jan starts snickering at me.  I don't know what the hell she was snickering at because I don't laugh at her when she buys her stupid Rolos.  I'm not a real big candy person, but right now I like Tootsie Roll Pops.  I may not next week or next month, but for right now I do.

I'm like that about a lot of things.  For a while, the only ice cream I would eat was Neapolitan.  I ate nothing but Mrs. Paul's fish fillets on hamburger buns at one time.  When I drank, it was always rum and Coke.

So, right now, I like Tootsie Roll Pops.  They've got it all.  You can suck them, and when you get tired of that, you can crunch them, and when you're done you can roll the stick around in your mouth until it gets soggy and the paper starts accumulating in your teeth.  I guess I eat more candy now than I have since I've become an adult.  I liked candy when I was a kid, but my family was too poor to afford much of it.

Yeah, I know.  Boo-fucking-Hoo Rob.  Well, fuck you.  We were poor and couldn't afford candy on a regular basis.  In fact, that wasn't the only "treat" we couldn't afford.  Soda Pop?  Forget it, have some shit tasting Kool-Aid instead.  Ice Cream?  Here, I bought some ice milk. Ice Milk!  Do they even make that shit anymore?  For the sake of mankind, I hope not.  And it didn't stop there.  Don't stay in the shower more than three minutes.  The window air conditioner has to go off at bed time.  What!  That's when you need it the most!  When you're fucking trying to go to sleep!  And the worst of all ... don't use so much toilet paper.  The first day after I moved out of my parents home into my own place, I did the following in no particular order ... I took an hour to take a shower.  I left the air conditioner on 24 hours a day and used a half a roll of toilet paper to wipe my ass.

But back to candy.  As I got older and started to pick up odd jobs and have a few dollars in my pocket, I began to frequent the small markets in the neighborhood and try different candy bars.  I liked Three Musketeers the best, and still do, but I could go for the occasional Snickers and Milky Way.  I also tried some of the lesser known brands, but these generally sucked.  I developed a rating system of general suckitude of these products and they go from least bad to maggot-gag bad.  They are:  Butterfinger, Fifth Avenue, Baby Ruth, Payday, Zagnut and the Zero bar.  The Zero bar is so wrong in all respects that I can't understand how the people who developed it could possibly think that anyone would enjoy it.  First of all, it looks like a cardboardy sandy nougat surrounded by a coating of coagulated semen.  For all I know it tastes like coagulated semen too, but you'd have to ask someone else.  Not me ... No sir.

Er ... okay.  For all I know, my current candy obsession will ebb and be replaced by something else, perhaps "wicked spicy buffalo ranch Doritos"  That's another thing about me.  My treat obsessions tend to cycle around.  I ate so many Doritos at one time that I got tired of them, but now, I'm starting to like them again.  Go figure.

So, I'm going to go get another Tootsie Roll Pop.  At this rate, I may have to buy another bag before we leave.

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