October 09, 2009

Films For The ADD Impaired

In the last decade, I believe I've developed Attention Deficit Disorder.  However,  I think it's limited to only television programs and movies.  I'd go see my doctor about this, but I'm sure he would do what he normally does when I take the time to go see him about any other ailment, which is to say "What do you think it is?"  And then I'd say something stupid like the time he asked me that exact same question and I told him that I was paying him to tell me what the problem was and not ask my learned opinion and he got pissed at me and things escalated to the point where one night I found myself in the emergency room at the hospital and he tried to have me admitted to the psych ward over the phone only I caught wind of it and walked out wearing only my gown and carrying my clothes and the hospital staff threatened to call security to detain me but they didn't and I had an incredible battle with the insurance company over the bill.

But that's a story for another time.

Anyway, I have a problem sitting through movies, which is why I probably haven't been to the theater in years. That and the fact that I don't like spending 25 dollars for two tickets to sit with a group of people I don't know who smack their lips eating popcorn and talk among themselves and laugh in inappropriate places and generally just annoy the fucking hell out of me.  So, I just rent movies from Netflix.  This is perfect because I can get up and leave anytime I want, plus Jan and I can make all the wise-ass comments we want or just stop the movie if it blows ... and it only costs $9.99 a month.

There are movies that I've seen before and would like to see again, but I'm hesitant to take the time to watch them, because they invariably have parts in them that I don't care for.  I'm not much for fast forwarding because I think it's too much work, so yesterday I thought that it would be a good idea to have movies available to people who just want to see the good parts. I'd select a number of popular films and edit out all the boring shit and string them together again in some coherent fashion for people who thought the same way I did.  I'd have to come up with a catchy name for the concept.  "Movies For People With Psychological Disorders" probably wouldn't get me off the ground floor, so it would have to be something along the line of "Only the Good Shit", or something like that.

Take yesterday for instance.  "Flight of the Phoenix" was on cable.  It was the remake with Dennis Quaid and Giovanni Ribisi taking the Jimmy Stewart and Hardy Kruger roles.   Now, I like the first part, where the plane crashes, and the last part, where the rebuilt plane miraculously takes off.  But I dislike everything in between.  So, I watched the first part, then went to do something else and tried to time it so I'd be back for the last part.  But I didn't do it right and missed the last part, which pissed me off.

Now, with my concept, the movie would contain the first part and the last part.  I'd fill the middle with a few clips with the characters debating whether to die or rebuild the plane.  Plus, I'd leave out everything with Giovanni Ribisi in it.  The film lasts 15 - 20 minutes tops, and I get everything I want.  Perfect!  I'd do the same thing with "The Dark Knight".  Just leave out everything with Harvey Dent in it, including that stupid last part where he walks around looking like the crypt keeper from "Tales From The Crypt".  Totally unnecessary.

All I need is a few investors to get this baby off the ground.  So if you're a wildly successful billionaire reading this, and you want a surefire tax shelter, just look me up.

I guarantee I'll lose money for you.


  1. I love, love, LOVE 'Only the Good Shit'!!

    If I had a job I would so be there with a blank check in my hand. But then MY ADD would kick in and I would totally forget why I was standing there with my checkbook in my hand.

  2. You wouldn't believe where your URL says you are...