Dilemma

There's a bit of information that Jan shares with me twice every school year that never fails to flatten all of my tires, no matter what kind of mood I may be in at the time.

"I have evening conferences at school this week".

One would rationally think that this would be great opportunity to spend some quality time alone, or to go out on a weeknight and do things you wouldn't normally do. But for me it's just a pain in the ass. I guess after being married for 35 years that I've just become accustomed to having her around in the evenings, and even if there are not two words passed between us, there's still the comfort of physical companionship. Of being in proximity to each other. For me anyway. I have a sneaking suspicion that she enjoys the hell out of it when I'm gone for the evening.

Dinner is a particular problem. What's the point of going to all the trouble to prepare something when you're just going to sit there by yourself and eat it? It's just not worth it. Yes, I could go out to eat, but I tried that once and I didn't care for it at all. I went to a local restaurant, book in hand, and sat at a table for four in the middle of the dining room, trying to eat and read at the same time. I had the uncomfortable feeling that everyone was staring at me, read only four or five pages of the book and never even tasted the food I ate because I was so self conscious. Once, I took Sean with me and since he was only three, I kept myself occupied trying to get food into him without causing a major catastrophe. I doubt that would work now, as he's going on 25 and learned to feed himself several years ago.

This afternoon, I must have spent an hour trying to figure out someplace to stop on the way home and pick something up. But, I'd already had a hamburger this week, tacos didn't sound any good, take out fried chicken is too greasy and pizza was out because we're having that tomorrow night and I hate to double down on the same food two nights in a row.

So here I sit, stomach grumbling, pondering what I can shove in my mouth to shut it up. Maybe I'll go have a couple of pieces of turkey pepperoni and an ice cream bar. Yeah, that should fill me up.

Shit ...