January 13, 2011


One of the things that I've figured out in my life is that I tend to do things when no one else is doing them.  Consciously or not, I buck the trend.  When the economy is bad and everyone stays home, I go on vacation.  When everyone is getting fired from their jobs, I get hired.  When everyone gets fat, I get thin.  I don't do it on purpose, it just happens.

So, I picked the dead of Winter, instead of Spring, to change my image.  Yes; I changed my haircut.  Drastically.

It all started about a month ago, when I happened to bump into a neighbor at the store who had her adorable seven year old son in tow.  As we were standing there talking, the young boy looked at me and said "do you have a wig on?"  Resisting the urge to kick him in the nuts, I chuckled richly and told him no.

Ah, children and their innocent no-holds-barred questions.  Wouldn't you just like to pack every last one of them into a rocket and send them blasting into deep space?  However, this little bastard's remark did make me start thinking about the state of my hair.

With little change, I've basically had the same hair style since high school. My hair grows unevenly and is curly, thinning and gray ... all at the same time.  It looks like it doesn't belong on my head.  And I hate the fact that it blows all over the place in even a small breeze, making me look like I was recently electrocuted.

I knew that there had to be a hair paradigm shift.  So, over the weekend, I went ... where else?  To the internet, to find nifty hair styles for mature men over 50.  And I found out, that no matter what site I visited, that I should have my hair styled in the manner of only two men.  The first:

Mature George Clooney

Yes, he does have nice hair.  But my hair isn't the same "make up" as his.  In fact, If my stylist tried to shape my hair to match his, she would more likely end up with the following version of George Clooney:

Pre-Pubic Hair George Clooney

Not too promising.  The second of the two over-50 men whose hair I should try to emulate is no other than that man-about-town fashion plate:

Mature Keith Richards

Well, at least this one wouldn't require a stylist.  All I'd have to do is set my hair on fire and then douse it with sheep piss.  Finding the jaunty hat might be a problem though.

Okay, I kind of lied too.  There were other over-50 hair styles for guys that were featured.  How about this one?

This Is What I Look Like Now For Chrissakes!

Then there's always this one:

Kill Me Now (Nice Jacket Though)

So, to say I was discouraged is an understatement.  I had a haircut scheduled for yesterday and no cool pictures to take with me to guide the hands of my stylist.  At the appointed time, I trudged into the shop and as I plopped down in the chair, Teresa asked "The usual?"  Instead of my meek agreement, I summoned all the testosterone left in me and shouted NO! After everyone had stopped staring at me, I calmly explained what I wanted. A half-hour and a pile of hair later, I had what I came for.  I was pleased, and as I left the shop, I reaped my share of appreciative looks and complements from all of the other lady stylists, particularly after I handed each a 5 dollar bill.

No doubt, you're all saying to yourselves "Why Rob, what does your hair look like now?"  And I would reply to you ... what do you think I am?  Some kind of narcissist?  But, if you look at my About Me picture with a magnifying glass or microscope, you can sort of tell.

Now, if I can just run into that neighbor lady and her smart-shit devil's spawn again, I can extract some satisfaction.

Wig my ass.

1 comment:

  1. You shoulda just kicked the kid in the nuts. though I can barely make out your profile picture, I reckon my hair looks a lot like yours. Only I have less of it and more forehead. but I freely acknowledge all this, so tell your neighbor's kid to BACK the hell off! (Thanks for the laugh.)