June 29, 2011

Going Apeshit

This is my second to last day of work and predictably, everyone has stopped talking to me.  People that I interacted with every day for the last two years now treat me like I never existed.

Having been a contractor for the last ten years, this is nothing new to me.  In the business, this is called “The Stink of Death”, where merely being in the vicinity of the affected party almost assures that, you too, will suffer the fate of being laid off and the economic ruin that accompanies it.

When I leave tomorrow afternoon, my cubicle will first be ransacked by office jackals; then the “regulars” will spray it down with disinfectant, have it exorcised by a priest and then most likely burn it to the ground to assure that all traces of me are gone.

So, today I’m letting my imagination run wild, since I have no regular work to do.  And what occurs when I let my mind run free?  Well, naturally, I think about the reasons why people need full face transplants.

I’m sure there are a lot of reasons, but the only two I could think of were full frontal shotgun blasts and monkey attacks.  And to get some more information on these causatives, I sprang to the internet, where frankly, I didn’t find a hell of a lot on full frontal shotgun blasts.

But I did find a shit pot load of information on how to avoid a monkey tearing your face off.  And for your convenience, I’ve taken what I believe to be the most important prevention measures and condensed them into something I like to call: 

Ten Tips On How Not To Have A Fucking Ape Tear Your Face Off
  • Whatever the situation, never heckle a monkey.  They have feelings and get irritated, and they are very instinctive. So if you anger or annoy a monkey it will bite, scratch or tear your dick off and shove it up your ass sideways.
  • Take proper precautions, depending on the situation.  Look around and think to yourself:  “Hmmm, are there monkeys around here?  If there are, take shelter immediately.  Don’t answer any knocks to the shelter’s door, as these are probably monkeys who want to tear your dick off and shove it up your ass sideways.
  • Recognize that even if the monkey is in a cage, you need to stay a safe distance away from the enclosure.  Don’t put your hand in the cage, or as my father used to say, “Keep your hands off the chicken or you’ll pull back a bloody stump”.  Dad was always so charming.
  • If you are in a situation where the monkey is not in a cage, you're playing a whole different ball game.  Think, "Is the monkey loose?" If so, go back to Step 2.
  • Step back and look at yourself. If you find you have actually done this, the monkey has probably killed you and your soul has become separated from your mortal remains.  Okay, seriously … Do you have food, shiny jewelry, glasses, children or toys with you? If so, you should offer these to the monkey in consideration for it not tearing your dick off and sticking it up your ass sideways.
  • In the unfortunate event that you are attacked.  If the monkey charges you, don't fight back.  The monkey can punt, pass and kick better than you, which is why you see them so often in Ford sponsored youth football contests during the halftimes of NFL championship games.  Find something to get in between you and the monkey … preferably a Thompson submachine gun on full automatic fire.
  • Protect yourself by barricading yourself somewhere.  If the monkey has escaped from his cage, hide in there.  Be sure to turn the tables on the little prick by throwing feces at him.
  • Notify the owner first and then animal control, but only if absolutely necessary.  “Absolutely necessary” might best be defined by the question “Have you had your dick torn off and shoved up your ass sideways or is your face just missing?”
  • Never get within the monkey's reach.  Fucking “Duh?”.
  • Many monkeys roam wild but are frequently in contact with humans. Check your local ordinances to see if this is true in your area.  Ordinance obeying monkeys are frequently taunted by children throwing stones and other objects at them.  In these cases, encourage the monkeys to attack these little bastards.
In conclusion, monkeys are particularly vicious little motherfuckers.  But by following the above “Ten Commandments”, you can be reasonably sure that you’ll never end up faceless on a very special Oprah Winfrey Show.

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