Tis The Season

September 1st.  For all of you weather heads out there, this is the first day of meteorological fall.  That's right ... summer is gone, kaput, finished, a day old memory.  Yes, I know that Labor Day hasn't even occurred yet, but due to some catastrophic failure in the Gregorian calendar, it won't happen until almost the middle of the month, so we should just ignore it this year and go to work on Monday.  It missed it's chance.  Fall is here.

Normally, I would miss the passing of summer, but this year I don't give a shit.  If I hadn't spent two weeks in the southwest in July, I would never have believed that the cold, damp, dreary days that made up the last three months here in the upper midwest were actually supposed to be summer.  When you have air conditioning, and your highest monthly electric bill is 15 cents, you know something is wrong.

So, bring on fall.  It has all the cool holidays anyway. September is National Chicken Month, October is National Pizza Month and November is National Epilepsy Month (Yay epilepsy!).  And of course you have Halloween and Thanksgiving.  Very cool.

Even my mailbox knows that summer is over.  Today, when I grabbed my mail, I was delighted to see my first Christmas catalog!  Actually, I was pretty happy to see it, because I have two particular items that I want to buy this season.

The first is a new snow blower.  My poor little Toro was overwhelmed last winter and couldn't tackle even the smallest drift without emitting a feeble cough and dying. Actually, I didn't use the descriptives "poor" and "little" when it did this.  I'm trying to recall exactly what I said, but I think it had "motherfucker" as one of the words. This year I'm going to buy something so humongous that it will blow snow into driveways three houses away from me.  Ah, that'll piss people off. 

The second thing on my list is a brand new all natural fake Christmas tree.  Our present all natural fake Christmas tree is as old as my son, which is pretty old. It's been hauled out and put back so many times that I'm sure it would look right at home in one of those stick man cartoons.  And besides, Jan's been after me for 87 years to get a new tree and I figure she's way overdue to get her way.  What a guy I am!

Sorry to be a buzz kill, but it's time for the seasons to move forward.  I know I'll regret saying this when I'm walking through some parking lot with the temperature at zero and wind cutting me in half, but I'll be the first one rooting for spring next year.

So Merry Christmas and ho, ho fucking ho!