September 15, 2009

Wipe Out

Network search engines are great, but sometimes they can lead you into places you never had any intention of going.  This morning I was trying to look up some information on a submission that I was putting together and I inadvertently ran across ...

The Freedom Wand

That's right.  For all of you people who grimace at the thought of using your bare hand to wipe your butt after your morning constitutional, the Freedom Wand is available to keep your fingers well away from the action. With its curved 9 inch handle and Doctor Octopus-like tentacle/grippers at the tip, this is one menacing piece of hardware.  Let's see how it works, shall we?

Wow!  Better practice loading it a few times before going in for the kill.  Too little paper and those grippers could hurt.  And too much paper ... well, you're going to have a fun time trying to get rid of that filthy wad in a sanitary manner.

I'm a little confused about the other functions.  Are the loofah, shaving and ointment apps also for the ass region?  Or are they universal?  And, if I'm going to use the loofah app, I want to see if I can get a Freedom Wand autoclave to treat the handle before bathing.

People obviously love the Freedom Wand.  Check out this testimonial from Shelly Loose, Ms Wheelchair Michigan 2007 ...

"As I type this, I'm proud to say I have hairless legs!!  Thanks!!!"

And yes, there is an actual Shelly Loose, and there is actually a Ms Wheelchair Michigan pageant.  If you don't believe me, here's the logo ...

I have my suspicions that the Freedom Wand people altered Shelly's statement substituting the word "legs" for "ass", but that's neither here nor there.  Also, the fact that there is an actual Ms Wheelchair Michigan pageant and a Ms Wheelchair America pageant opens the door for many tasteless jokes, but I'm too classy of a guy to go there.

You can't help but be proud to be an American, when a former Ms Wheelchair Michigan can negotiate lucrative endorsements for very personal hygiene aids, and at the same time distract me for hours from submitting another magazine article that will be rejected and leave me an emotional wreck.

God Bless the USA!

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