August 30, 2011

Angry Birds

As a rule, animals and I get along together.  They stay out of my house and I don't kill them ... usually.  Like most people, there are animals that I tolerate, and those that I don't care for at all.

Of the domestic variety, I don't mind cats, but I generally dislike all dogs.  Cats take care of themselves.  All you need to do is give them food and water.  They even go to the bathroom by themselves.  Dogs are fucking idiots that have to be "walked" so that they can be led to my yard where they can shit on it.  And they startle me.  Just this morning I was mindlessly walking down a sidewalk when I dog raced up the fence that bordered the pathway and starting barking at me.  I used to just keep walking, but lately I stop and tell the mutt in a loud voice to "go fuck itself".  In this case the pastel print robed old bag who owned the dog yelled at me to stop cursing at her dog, so I fingered her.  I think I've mentioned more than once or twice that I'm not the neighborhood's most beloved character.

I don't like any wild animals and give them a wide berth.  But there are three particular wild animals in particular that I truly dislike because they've tried to kill me.  In order of my hatred of them, least to most, they are:

Deer ... In the Fall of 1996, I bought my first truck; a beautiful all black Ford Ranger.  One morning in the predawn hours, I was heading to a meeting about an hour from my house.  I decided to take the back roads and was coming upon a bridge when a deer (it had antlers, so it must have been a buck), lept up on the opposite side of the road and stood stock-still, staring at me.  I figured I could get by him, but for some unfathomable reason, it's little pea brain told it's legs to "giddyap" and it ran right into the side of me.  Not in front of me, mind you, but INTO THE SIDE OF ME.

There was a mighty "WHUMP" and in an explosion of blood and deer parts, it went flying over the cab and pinwheeled on the road behind me.  I stopped, grabbed my iron fishwhacker from under the seat and tore back towards it's carcass, hoping it was merely injured so I could beat it to death.  But, it had succumbed ... and so had my truck.  I'd only had it for a couple of weeks.

I've had a hard-on for deer ever since.  They're almost useless animals, good only for cougar food and killing hundreds of motorists every Spring and Fall.

Less deadly, but much more annoying are:

Redwing Blackbirds ... Every Spring, these little pricks build their nests in the most un-nature-like places and then stake out a territory of approximately one square mile, where they attack anything that moves ... including me.  In the span of one month a few years ago, I was pecked on the head once and shit on several times by these little bastards.  And there is no dealing with them.  Throwing things, even hand fulls of gravel at them, ends in failure, because they're too goddamned quick.

And even though I despise deer and redwing blackbirds, I save most of my vitriol for:

Canadian Geese ... These bully boys of the avian world strut around like they own the place.  In this area, they have a special penchant for strolling across streets and stalling traffic, because for some unknown reason, NO ONE WANTS TO RUN THEIR FEATHERY ASSES OVER!  In my experience, it appears that most motorists would prefer to come to a screeching halt and cause an 800 car pile-up behind them rather than bumper-launch them into the nearest ditch.  In fact, these same motorists do even more stupid things, like stopping their cars in the middle lane of a freeway, get out and try to shoo them off the road, wherein another car bumper-launches them into the nearest ditch while the dumbass goose flies off someplace.  This actually happened on the Tri-State Tollway near my home several months ago.

When they're not busy tying up traffic, they like to hang around in gangs in open spaces, hissing and attacking innocent women and children with their nubby teeth, while they forcefully relieve them of their purses and cell phones.

But, I'm sure that the three of these beasts never set out to be a menace.  The encroachment of man into their living spaces made them at odds with us.  At least that's the line of bullshit I usually run across. I can't do much about my dislike for them, but I can amuse myself for a few hours after I post this.

I'll start with a poem, "Four and Twenty Blackbirds, Baked In A Pie", followed with that beloved children's book, "Garfield Goose Gets Plucked", and end it with my favorite movie ...

The one where Bambi's mother gets offed.

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