Most of the time, my posts don't lend themselves well to inviting comments, and as result, I don't get very many. But surprisingly, I get a lot of letters to my e-mail address. Some of the letters are encouraging, and some are not so much. But I make sure that I answer them in the spirit that they are given.
However, some of the letters are pretty baffling ... so much so that they defy my ability to come up with a response. Over the years, I've saved them in a file and in the last several weeks, I've sorted through them and have printed a few below to share. Because that's what I do ...
Jesus, that little bastard smells. No wonder they call him Pooh Bear.
Sorry, I never thought of Howie Mandel. I take the whole thing back.
Do you want to know why you're not getting rid of us? Get with the times, people. Roach Motels are out. The hot thing these days is Roach Bed and Breakfasts.
In your kitchen
Fall River, Massachusetts
I ripped the tag off a mattress once. Now I'm in prison. Sure, I may have done other stuff too, but don't try to tell me there's no connection.
Locked up forever
The door is not a door. The door is ajar. The door is not a door. The door is ajar. Get it? Get it?
Annoying Electronic Voice
In your new car
Dear Rob at FFL:
If Kitty were raped and killed, I'd ... I'd tear the guy apart limb from limb! That's what I should have said. No. I'd kick some ass! That's it. That's what I'd do. Wait. I'd string him up by the balls! Yeah! No, wait. I'd ...
Still reassessing his
1988 campaign strategy
You probably think I'm a pain in the ass, but hear me out: Boxes of cereal, jars of peanut butter, etc., should change their little message from "Use before September 2011" to the more informative "Will be pretty fucking disgusting by September 2011". So what do you think? Are you with me?
Dear Mr. Frogs For Lunch:
Have you ever seen the film Alien? Did you ever wonder how the creature got inside the humans to begin with? I mean, if it got to burst out of somebody's chest, it must have found a pretty sneaky way to get in there ... right?
A Long, Red Tube of Surimi
Lying in your seafood salad
Ms. Pac-Man? She's not much to look at, but any girl that pulls herself around by her lips can't be all bad.
Robbie, Baby, Sweetheart:
How come nobody returns my calls anymore?
Palookaville, New Jersey
Dear Sir and/or Madam:
After all these years, the truth must be known. I am Dorothy's surrogate mother.
Somewhere in Kansas
I'm here. You can't see me, but I'm here.
The egg salad bowl in
the Sizzler salad bar
Go ahead. Try to escape me. You can't! I'm everywhere! You puny creatures and your pathetic attempts to pull away make me laugh ... laugh I tell you! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haah!
The Force of Gravity
Underneath your floorsStratford-upon-Avon Plumbing
Dear Mr. Rob:
Haven't you always had the sneaking suspicion that I'm an obnoxious shithole bitch who never misses a chance to humiliate those who work for me?
Next Post: Death Takes A Holiday!