... Yoko would have jumped in front of John.
... a kernel of Orville Redenbacher popcorn would somehow actually look like Orville Redenbacher.
... The fluorocarbons trapped in the atmosphere would escape by going out through the hole in the ozone layer.
... somebody would wipe that smirk off Bradley Cooper's face.
... you would too be able to dry your cat off in the microwave.
... the fearless secret army of Islam would not rest until it had written the name of Allah the Almighty on the ground with the blood of Kate Gosselin.
... the pope would end all encyclicals with "I don't know, at least that's the way it seems to me."
... something would be very wrong with the brakes on Dick Cheney's car.
... Stephen Hawking would figure out a way to get his mojo back.
... a woman would laugh appreciatively when a guy farted to make a point.
... the magnitude of Donald Trump's fortune would be in the inverse proportion to the size of his dick.