March 12, 2010

Descent Into Madness

It's a troubling feeling when you find that you can't tell fact from fiction.  Take last night for example.  I was rushing through all of my news sites on line before I went to bed.  I was getting more tired by the minute and was attempting to bookmark some articles that I wanted to come back and read in the next day or so.  Finally, I became so sleepy, that I just put the computer to sleep and turned in.  This morning I was working on a project, and suddenly the phrase "Pee Funnel" came into my head.

This stopped me dead in my tracks, and I tried to remember if I had glanced over an article about using a funnel to pee though, or if I had dreamt of myself peeing in a funnel.  I think it stayed with me because it was a really good idea.  When a guy gets older, he just doesn't have that "force"that he used to have to push the old piss out at a high velocity.  As you stand and dribble over the bowl, you long for the days when your mighty piss stream punched a hole in the water with a resounding Niagara Falls type thunder. Not only do you dribble, your aim is severely compromised and you end up going other places besides inside the bowl on occasion.  Very messy.

If you peed into a funnel, your problems would be over and all of your expelled liquid would go exactly where you wanted it.  Problem is, what to do with the funnel afterwards?  If you just get a regular funnel, you've got to have some easy way to rinse it out and store it, unless you're just gross.

So, in a misguided two prong attempt to not only try to find out if I was actually reading an article about peeing into a funnel and find out if they make funnels designed specifically for this purpose, I hit the Google.

And I learned that Google can get away from you like a grease covered pig if you're not careful.

I did find a site selling disposable pee funnels for women ... a lot of sites as a matter of fact.  Women obviously are serious about taking a piss standing up.  Here are the best ones as far as I could tell.

Take Your Pick Ladies!

The Freshette Trough, the Travel Maxi (doubles as a a stake for your camping tent), as well as the Whizzy and EZPee disposables.  I could find no pee funnels for men, but we guys could no doubt use the womens models as long as we didn't make an embarrassing public display of ourselves, unlike this woman who actually demonstrated one on some Australian television talk show ...

Aussie Gals Love To Pee Into Giant Pilsner Glasses

Okay, my question was answered about as adequately as it was going to be ... I still don't know if I read it or dreamt it, but let's move on now.

Except ... that picture of the woman peeing was pretty fuzzy, and I wanted a better one to post.  So I Googled "pictures of women peeing", but just got a bunch of fuzzier pictures, except for one of a Japanese woman peeing in a slit toilet, but the site wouldn't let me copy it. Damn it.  But I looked for more anyway, and you know how the farther you go down a search list, the item that your targeted keeps getting more obscure?  Well, I ended up at one site that was about nothing but women drinking their own urine.  Gross!  And no pictures! Damn it again!

Being lazy, I just went up to my finder bar and started backspacing on what I had written, until I was down to "pictures of women pe" when Google got all excited and suggested that I look for "pictures of women with enormous breasts"  Well, since Google went to all that trouble to look for me, I decided to take them up on their offer.  Which led me to discover that ...

"Twenty Eight-year-old Sheyla Hershey of Brazil is the proud owner of the world's largest breasts - with a staggering, life-threatening, and unfortunately-named bra size of 38KKK."

Congratulations Sheyla!  Definitely More Than A Handful!

Apparently Sheyla underwent eight surgeries and had over one gallon of silicone pumped into her boobies to achieve her epic proportions.  You go girl!

After gawking at numerous pictures of Sheyla for a couple of minutes I continued on until Google asked me if I'd like to look at "pictures of women with three breasts"?  In for a penny, in for a pound ...

This Has To Be Photoshopped, Right?  Right??

Incidentally, there is a medical term for a woman with "accessory breasts"  It is called  Polymastia.  Also incidentally, this was more information than I needed to know.

Frankly, after an hour of reading articles and viewing pictures of pee funnels, pee ingestion, humongo hooters and 3 boobies to a rack, I was feeling a bit "icky".  So I quickly closed my browser so as not to give Google any more opportunities to shower me with depravity.

And I went downstairs to watch an episode of Maury Povich, featuring brothers and sisters who marry.

Ahhhh, much better.

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