February 21, 2010

Cut Bait & Run

Here in Northern Illinois, much has been said recently about the steady march of the Asian Carp towards Lake Michigan.  It is feared that once this trailer trash of the fish world reaches the Big M, it will spread to the other Great Lakes, the Erie Canal and to its final destination; Pooter's Pond in Puxwhoosits, Maine.

Uber-liberal environmental whiners claim that the carp will muscle in and destroy all indigenous aquatic life, such as the zebra mussel, and will flood the upper midwest and northeast with P. J. Changs and dry cleaners.  The last line of defense, the Chicago Ship & Sanitary canal has been poisoned, bombed and mined, with a total count of ZERO Asian Carp having been recovered.  The states of Michigan and Wisconsin have sued Illinois to close the locks on the CS&S, and Illinois has counter sued ... Michigan for producing crappy cherry wine, and Wisconsin for just being Wisconsin.

Granted, I wouldn't want these things moving in next door to me, primarily because they probably don't keep their lawns mowed, and they're not very attractive.

Butt Ugly

However, there is something much worse than the Asian Carp out there, lurking in the deep waters just off the coast of Tasmania.

Psychrolutes marcidus, a.k.a. the Blobfish floats just above the ocean floor.  This boneless gelatinous pile of gloop sloshes about, sucking in anything remotely resembling food into it's rubbery slash of a mouth.

The Stuff Of Nightmares!

Although top ichthyologists from around the world pooh-pooh the notion of this mini-monster ever migrating from it's present locale to roam among us, we all know that stranger things have happened.  The Irish, for example.

It would be simple.  I present, for your approval, the following scenario:  A trawler plying the Tasmanian coast for delicious Long John Silvers fish fillets scoops up Blobby on one of its runs.  One of the swabbos on deck takes a shine to this thing, perhaps thinking that it resembles his Uncle Omar, and transports it home to his aquarium.   Several months later, Blobby gets bored and flips himself out of the tank.  He oozes across the floor, opens the front door and squishes down the street to a nearby creek, where he splashes in ... and enters the water supply for YOUR town!

Imagine if you will, getting up at 2 a.m. to take a pee.  You're at you most vulnerable state as Blobby appears through the hellish portal at the bottom of your toilet and crawls up the side.  Closer .... closer ...

Or maybe you're just thirsty.  In the dark, you take your glass from the side of the bathroom sink and turn on the tap.  Blobby with his boneless, slimy body gushes from the spigot and fills your glass. You raise it to your lips ... and he fills your mouth with gooey gagging horror ...

In the case of the Asian Carp, some people are advocating eating it into submission.  Deranged chefs have concocted recipes for carp soup, carp casserole and sausage McMuffin with carp.

But how would one prepare Psychrolutes marcidus?  Deep fry it in transfatty oil?  Almost anything tastes good deep fried.  Perhaps as a substitute for that Thanksgiving jello mold?  Just plop him on a plate and give me a spoon.

Hold the mini-marshmallows and mandarin orange slices.

1 comment:

  1. I totally sent this picture to your son and I think half the office heard him scream in horror. Give me a Wisconsin Hick or a flying Asian Carp filled with Mandarin Oranges and Pecans before a fish that can drool at me with a face filled with disdain....
    BTW, I'm making something with Fish for Easter.