June 06, 2009

AARP Follies

I absolutely love AARP Magazine! When we first started getting this, I'd usually throw it in the trash, because who wants to read about a bunch of old farts saving money doing this or that until they keel over and die.  But how wrong I was!  This magazine is a fucking fountain of laughs, if you get your laughs from reading about senior citizens doing stupid things.  Take Frances Dalton and her cigarette caper as an example.

So, when the July/August issue hit my mailbox, I couldn't wait to rip it open and see what I could find!  And I wasn't disappointed.

In his very popular column "On Your Side", Porter Wagoner look-alike Ron Burley spins the sad tale of one Sharon Block of Greenlawn, NY and her non-functioning toilet.  Ms Block, noticing that her recently deposited urine and feces were going nowhere, contacted Assured Plumbing of Patchogue to come to her rescue.  Loo expert Buck Barba arrived and declared that her toilet was in need of a "major overhaul".

Okay ... this should have been Ms Block's first tip-off.  There are only two things that can go wrong with a toilet; the water out thingy and the water in thingy.  However, I only know this because I am a toilet expert, so I guess I should cut the lady some slack on this point.

Anyway, Buck spends one-and-a-half hour installing parts he probably got at Walmart for 25 dollars and presents Ms Block with a bill for $840!  Incredibly, Ms Block pays him with her boyfriend's (Tom Lutz, also of Greenlawn, NY) Discover Card without a peep!

Now, c'mon ... what idiot gives his credit card to his girlfriend to use? So, Tom gets his Discover bill, shits his pants and hopefully is all over Sharon like a cheap shirt for paying $840 to have her fucking toilet fixed.

Poor stupid Tommy then calls Assured Plumbing, trying to get some of his money back, but they tell him to go soak his head in the newly repaired toilet.  He then calls Discover, to see if they can help him, but they tell him to go soak his head in an oven with the gas turned on.  Desperate, Thomas calls RON BURLEY at AARP MAGAZINE for help.

Ron picks up the gauntlet and contacts Assured Plumbing, first letting them know that he is THE Ron Burley from AARP Magazine, but they tell him to go soak his head in Sharon's toilet.  Ron, stinging from his failure, then contacts Discover, who initially tell Ron it's not their problem, but after thinking about it for a minute and then discovering (get it?) that they might lose business from old people who love getting back one-tenth of one cent on every 100 dollars they put on their Discover cards, relent and agree to reimburse poor sappy Tom Lutz $640.  We can only hope that Tom received at least a blow job from Sharon for his trouble.

So even though all's well that ends well, let me remind you that because of fucking idiots like Sharon Block and Tom Lutz, your credit card interest rates and late fees will continue to go up because you don't think Discover Card is going to eat these kind of losses on a regular basis, do you?

Man ... I can't wait until I get my next issue of AARP Magazine!

1 comment:

  1. I wonder if Discover could bring suit against the plumber. I'll bet I could think of a creative way to litigate that.

    Discover just upped my interest rate by 8%. I hope they all soak their heads in the oven with the gas turned way up.