It's Saturday night, the Midnight Special is on the radio, and it's time once again for Late Night Thoughts, brought to you this week by the good people at Emerson Drug Company, Warner Lambert Pharmaceutical Company, Premiere Innovations Company and Amerilab Technologies; all past and present manufacturers of that drink concoction that was never as good as you thought it would be ... Fizzies! Yes dear friends, it seems as if Fizzies have been passed around more times than a two dollar whore.Fizzieologists tell us that Emerson was dicking around with their Bromo-Seltzer product one day and found that if they added food coloring and a fake sweetner named cyclamate to it, they could probably sucker kids into drinking it. So, in 1957, kids everywhere were dropping Fizzies for refreshment and, without knowing it, solving their intestinal gas problems. Trouble loomed when the FDA determined that cyclamates caused cancer in lab rats and the less-than-talented chemists at Emerson couldn't find anything else to put in it, so they sold it to Warner-Lambert, who couldn't do anything with it either. So they got some people at Premiere Innovations drunk one night at a bar and palmed it off on them. After they sobered up, Premiere managed to trade it to Amerilab for some colored beads and a buffalo robe. And like sullen children chosen last for a game, Amerilab now half-heartedly offers it for sale on some website or another ... don't ask me.
I can tell you that it was some foul shit. It was even worse than Kool-Aid, if that is possible. And I guess after that glowing description of the product, we've probably seen the last of Fizzies as proud sponsors of Late Night Thoughts! So let's move on.
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The weirdest article I read this week begins with "As a survivor of Satanic Ritual Abuse, I've been through some rather harrowing things."
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Simplify man ... simplify.
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Two things I remember about my Dad that I haven't thought about in years: He used to yell at Walter Cronkite when he watched the evening news, and he never missed "The 20th Century", because he thought he would see himself in one of the WWII news reels that they always ran.
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I think I'm the only person who thinks that "Halloween III - Season of the Witch" is a cinema classic. I once stayed up until 2 in the morning on a work night watching it.
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I talked myself out of getting a dog ... again.
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If I own the land my house sets on, how far down do I own it? To the earth's core?
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Why don't you ever see canned broccoli? Maybe the cellular structure of broccoli doesn't lend itself well to canning. Yeah, that's it!
I saw a commercial on television for a pre-4th of July mattress sale. Seriously, is there any holiday, recognized or not, where mattresses are not on sale?
I saw orange cauliflower in the grocery store the other day. When white cauliflower gets a few of those little black spots on it, it's not so bad. But on orange cauliflower, it's just disgusting.
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"Dark Side of the Moon" by Pink Floyd, has the best album cover ever made. This is not even debatable. Check it out ...
If I own the land my house sets on, how far down do I own it? To the earth's core?
ReplyDeleteLaw school answer:
As far down as is reasonably usable but subject to easements from your electrical and plumbing companies.
You know you also own the sky as far up as is reasonably usable/foreseeable subject to air traffic control laws or something like that....but you own the sky too!
So there's this one case that they make you read in law school (among the thousands) but it's about this guy who owns a farm. Specifically, a chicken farm. It's the middle of a war and there's a lot of loud airplanes flying pretty close to his barn, like couple hundred feet. The chickens go nuts and slam their heads into the walls and die and make farmer dude really mad. Farmer Dude sues the government for nuisance and trespassing. He wins, because he OWNS the sky above his land!
Shit like that would fly about as far as a chicken in the 2009 legal system, but this was a long long time ago when the government was not as big and bad and powerful, and they made me learn it in law school so I could read your deep thoughts and have some answers that you can't get on wikipedia! Okay, maybe you could get it on wikipedia, but this is far more entertaining.
I am positively blown away to learn that I own the sky too! Even if it's only a couple of feet or so, that is awesome!
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