May 03, 2009

Taboo Stories

I was reading a story the other day about a guy over in France who tried to commit suicide. Now, normally, any story about suicide or attempted suicide is sad, and most people hope the individual involved will seek professional help if the attempt failed, and will have sympathy for the surviving family if it was successful.  But sometimes, there's one story that makes you snort. Now you know what I'm talking about, so don't go all "holier-than-thou" on me.  You're sitting there reading the story, the circumstances strike you as funny, and you snort.  If you're by yourself, you do a short penance and go about your business, and if you're with someone and they ask you what you're snorting at, you make up some lame-ass lie and change the subject.

In this particular story, a guy is living with his girlfriend, and I guess she gets fed up with him and dumps his ass and moves out.  Now, a regular person would probably go get drunk, moon around for a couple of days or weeks and then move on.  Not this guy.  He turns on every gas jet in the house and then calls all of his friends to tell them he's going to off himself.  What a Prince!  One of his friends takes him seriously. Either that or they're tired of putting up with his shit too, and calls frog 911.  The gendarmes come blazing up to the house, lights flashing and sirens howling ....  probably not the best move. The guy hears the sirens, pulls out his Bic, and flicks it.

Okay, I can just see this ..... The guy is standing in a cloud of natural gas, pulls his lighter out of his pants, puts the lighter up to his face and says to himself (insert French accent here) "I wondaire eef thees wareks?" It does.  The house explodes.  The windows blow out into the street and the roof shoots up in the air.  But the guy lives.  After the smoke clears and all the rubble flutters down to the ground, the cops find him standing there.  I imagine it's like in a comedy sketch. His hair is smoking, his face is all black and his shirt collar is sticking up.  Now, the guy is okay.  He lost a few feet of skin and will need some hair plugs, but he's basically okay.

So, this poor guy is obviously having the worst day of his life.  His girlfriend left him, he blew up his house and he looks like a burnt baguette.  But it's not over! The cops arrest him and charge him with arson, for blowing up his own house!

At his trial, I hope the magistrate (or whatever you call a French judge) cuts this dude some slack.

With his story, he wouldn't last 10 minutes in prison.

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