May 01, 2009

A Very Mean Man

I have a bad habit of giving uncomplimentary nicknames to my neighbors. I give them to other people too, but I usually forget these because I don't have the opportunity to use them as often, and as we all learned in college, constant repetition is the only way to remember something, at least until the exam is over, at which point you forget everything. In fact, the only thing I still remember from college was my World History instructor talking about how women in 17th century France found men with blond hair and dark sideburns really hot, which was of no relevance to me because I had dark hair and no sideburns because I couldn't grow a decent mustache, let alone hair down the side of my face. I also remember the name Sam Rayburn.

I digress. Jan doesn't like the nicknames, because she's nice and all. But I keep reminding her that they probably have a nickname for me too, which is probably something like "That Asshole", so she puts up with it. Actually, I like all of my neighbors, except one maybe. Pickle Boy & Mammy Yokum live behind us. Mammy chews tobacco. Jan did not believe this until I made her look out the kitchen window one day and Mammy was spitting Red Man all over the place. Pickle Boy has a turf fetish. A couple of years ago he hammered a bunch of stakes in the ground along the side yard and I thought he was going to build something, but it turned out that he just didn't want me mowing on his side of the grass. So one day I got pissed off at looking at them and pulled them up and threw them in his yard. He hammered them back in a couple of times, but I just kept pulling them back up again, and the last time I broke them into pieces. I'm also sure he doesn't like me because he and my other side neighbor are bow hunters and they set up targets in their yards and were shooting arrows across my yard at each others targets until I told them to cut that shit out or I would call the police. Pickle and Mammy have a little kid I call Toad One, who calls me a "VERY MEAN MAN" when I'm out in the yard. I'm sure his parents taught him that, the little shit.

I knew a guy once who called all of his neighbors "Doobie", as in "Hey, Doobie is mowing his lawn" or "Doobie just fell off his roof." His wife thought this was hilarious.

But, she divorced him, so I guess his one-trick pony joke wasn't enough for her.

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